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The unspeakable guilt.


The period now is so weird, unrealistic. I did let go of my beast as promised myself at the beginning of the year. And am thriving at my work. But it seems that all is still. Feeling quite numb.


No secret - war. It's unspeakable, it's even crazy to type that word. I can't think of how hard it should be for people who face it now. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, and second by second... War in Ukraine feels so close.


I am half Lithuanian and half Ukrainian. Though I do not know the part of me in Ukraine. But still, like a Lithuanian, I relate to this war - like it is ours. It's already a month and feels like people are getting tired when the damage is just growing there. Why as ours? Because we were occupied by Russia, we were fighting for our freedom, and we always had the shadow of fear that will happen again. The shadow feels so close this time.


Several weeks ago I was in Lithuania for a short trip to see my mum and it felt weird. The whole trip was like I am trying to keep in my sight, sounds, touch and smells - all the senses of being home, being in Lithuania. Like it might be last time like there might be no country tomorrow.


But the biggest part of daily routine now - is guilt that I can't do more, or do too less. Or am too happy, too busy with my daily life. I know it's part of it. It's normal to feel that. But lots of things around simply does not make sense anymore or are too little to react. Or I feel shame to share it. Though I do understand life is going and not stopping and all in our hands. Step by step, as I say. xoxo my beasts.




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